I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
