just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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