the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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