last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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