Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
