Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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