THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
