Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
