I bet he comes in French.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
