If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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