plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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