So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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