i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
