on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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