i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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