i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Are my feet made of real feet?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
