It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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