Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
