Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
