You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
