you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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