Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
