Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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