I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
