Life is so much better after having sex.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't deserve a penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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