weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
