Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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