3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
