there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
