Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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