First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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