I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
