how do flat chested girls get laid?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
