the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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