the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
