Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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