I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
