Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
