i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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