yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Enjoy the penises
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
