Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
