I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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