i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
