i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We are all done wearing pants today
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
