My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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