So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
