I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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