I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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