and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
