I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
