I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
