I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sarcasm needs its own font
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
