Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i think my cat just said my name.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
