Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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