Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize