DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dignity is for republicans.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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