I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
