Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
